I didn’t fall and I didn’t throw up….so it was a good ride!

To see the humor in the ‘throw up’ statement you needed to be here from the moment I agreed to go buy clips. Just the thought of being connected to my bike made my stomach turn. Practicing clipping in and out with my bike on the trainer was easy. I didn’t have to think about balance, just focused on the feel and sound.

For the non-cyclists reading this….clips refer to a type of shoe and pedal. The shoe has a special connector on the bottom that clips onto the pedal. Making me and my bike, one.

Supposedly being clipped-in will help my performance. I have yet to experience this. Right now I’m most concerned with remembering to unclip or clip-out before I stop so that I don’t just fall right over.

Saturday’s ride was also a reminder as to how not flat Kansas is. And this route didn’t even get to the ‘big’ hills. While I was riding I was wondering what the people passing me in cars were thinking. I figure it was either, ‘that woman is crazy, doesn’t she know it’s barely 30 out!’ or ‘look at that woman, it’s barely 30 out and she doesn’t seem to care…good for her!’ Honestly, once I got riding, I warmed up quickly. Plus I dressed for the weather….special gloves, special shoe covers, special hat, special jacket….I was just special!

Now to make time during the week to get time on the bike in….hopefully the weather will allow for it to be out on the road.

The fourth anniversary of my cancer diagnosis is fast approaching. Since May 2008, I have discovered who my true supporters are….the people I know I can turn to at any time….the people who make up my support network. Sadly, I have also discovered who isn’t a supporter. Surprisingly, it’s people that I spent years of my life with, shared intimately personal moments in my life with who weren’t there when I needed them the most.

I have been blessed beyond words by complete strangers. One blessing that quickly comes to mind is the handmade quilt that the mother of the young woman who shaved my head when I first lost my hair to chemo made for me. I think of her fondly every time I see the quilt and I say a quick prayer of thanks to God for bringing her into my life.

Then of course there are the financial supporters who have blessed us. Not for our family personally, thankfully we’ve not needed that kind of financial support through this experience. I’m talking about the donations we’ve been given to give to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Those dollars stay here locally to help families who are in need of financial assistance. Those dollars also go to fund research. Research that is desperately needed to find a cure.

Often I am moved beyond words when I see the donation notice. It’s not about the amount….because any amount is appreciated. But it’s the person that it comes from. For example, a high school friend that we hadn’t really communicated with since 1993 sent a very generous donation after learning about my cancer journey. Completely unexpected…and appreciated beyond words.

Then there are Craig’s co-workers. They humble me. They make me feel so special. I love the stories that Craig shares after returning from big meetings or trips about how the first thing he’s asked is ‘How’s your wife?’. Having the support of people I’ve never met warms my heart.

One of the reasons I love Team in Training is because of the support. All it takes is a hug from a teammate to turn my day around.

I know that I have support. I know that I am blessed. Plain and simple.

So here’s my advice….your take-away….

Be a support to someone. It could be anything — from bringing over a meal, giving  flowers not for a special occcasion, taking them out for coffee, mailing a card or sending a quick Facebook message, email or text (those last three are free!) – to let that person know they’re on your mind.

It’s a busy year for me and it’s only January. But that’s ok. I welcome the full calendar of activities. Many of them will be done as a family and all of them are something that I am passionate about. I’m enjoying the fact that I have the energy to do all of this.

I seem to go back and forth between Queen Bee and Worker Bee roles. Right now I’m definitely a busy little worker bee.

I’m planning two major events that will take place during the first half of the year – Johnson County Girl Scout Camptennial and Kansas Leukemia Cup. Right now my focus is the Camptennial which takes place in April, The KS Leukemia Cup isn’t until June. In between there are lots of fun activities — Training for Tahoe begins Feb. 11; in March Craig and I go to Austin, TX to attend a LIVESTRONG conference; in April we’re hosting another edition of BBQ for a Cure; in May we’ll take our son to his first rock concert – Van Halen (ok, this one is purely for fun and not related to scouting or cancer).

After a few stints with contract, freelance and part-time work over the last three years, I’ve finally returned to work full-time! I’m an Instructional Designer for Mediware – a medical software company. Ironically, the project I’ve been put on pertains to hospital blood banks….I know a thing or two about blood. Ha!

Me being back at work has been a big change in our house. Thankfully, I have the best husband in the world! Craig has an awesome domestic side and he took care of so many things around the house so that all I had to do after returning home from work is just sit and relax with the family. And my kids….I also have the best kids in the world! I went back to work right when they got off for Christmas Break. The first week they were home all day, but they got so much done….cleaned rooms, did fun projects, played together. I’ve definitely been blessed! But now, the holidays are over and school starts back at the end of the week. It’ll be another big change — getting myself and the family all ready to leave the house on time. Something that I’ve probably taken for granted over the last three years.

So now I’m working on finding balance. The right mix of work, family and other obligations. I was chosen to be a LIVESTRONG Leader again in 2012, but this year Craig will join me as one too! We’re definitely in this cancer fight together, so I can’t think of a better teammate to have!! Plus I still have Girl Scouts and Team in Training.

It’ll take balance to make all my passions work together. I don’t want to say juggle because of the possibility of ‘dropping the ball’. I don’t want that to happen. I want to make sure I’m successful at all that I do.

Over the weekend I realized that I’ve had a mind-set change with regards to dieting. I’m not dieting. I’ve made a lifestyle change. Because if I was dieting, I wouldn’t have had pumpkin pie, brownies, Grandma’s red jello, carrot cake or chocolate pie over our family’s 4-day Thanksgiving break.* The best part…when I weighed myself on Monday I had lost weight! I did go for a 3-mile walk Thursday morning, but that’s about as active as I got.

What helped me come to this realization was a small snippet in Good Housekeeping’s November issue (page49, Thick rich, Be thin). I did a little more research and found this: http://www.oprah.com/blogs/The-Best-Mindset-for-Dieting-Indulge

Too busy to click the above link? Here’s the short version:

• Objective: To test whether physiological satiation as measured by the gut peptide ghrelin may vary depending on the mindset in which one approaches consumption of food.
• Methods: On 2 separate occasions, participants (n = 46) consumed a 380-calorie milkshake under the pretense that it was either a 620-calorie “indulgent” shake or a 140-calorie “sensible” shake. Ghrelin was measured via intravenous blood samples at 3 time points: baseline (20 min), anticipatory (60 min), and postconsumption (90 min). During the first interval (between 20 and 60 min) participants were asked to view and rate the (misleading) label of the shake. During the second interval (between 60 and 90 min) participants were asked to drink and rate the milkshake.
• Results: The mindset of indulgence produced a dramatically steeper decline in ghrelin after consuming the shake, whereas the mindset of sensibility produced a relatively flat ghrelin response. Participants’ satiety was consistent with what they believed they were consuming rather than the actual nutritional value of what they consumed.
• Conclusions: The effect of food consumption on ghrelin may be psychologically mediated, and mindset meaningfully affects physiological responses to food.

All the nutritional and exercise information I’ve gained over the years has finally started to click. I’ve come to appreciate food for what it’s meant to be – fuel for my body. I still find food pleasurable and I’m not deprieving myself of what I want and crave. It just so happens that my body is craving chicken, not beef and apples, not cookies. Don’t even get me started about my new-found love of Morningstar products (my mouth waters at the thought of the garden veggie burger). I’m making healthy choices, but finding that the healthy choices are still quite pleasurable.

I’m embracing a new mindset… I’m looking for the 620-calorie milkshake in every meal!

* I have to note that the serving sizes I had were small. I didn’t over-indulge. I had enough to satisfy my cravings. Sometimes a bite or two is all I need now of a favorite sweet food to satisfy my desire for it. Because, who doesn’t crave or desire a slice of pumpkin pie with whipped cream on Thanksgiving?

I don’t know Virginia, but if I did I bet the first thing she’d say to me is, “Wow, Leesa, you’ve got hair!” As if I wasn’t aware of this fact.

During the past three years, I have lost my hair on three seperate occassions. The first time was rather traumatic. The second was more so for the kids than me (especially when my eye lashes and eye brows fell out too). The last time was no big deal at all. We all had come to accept that hair loss was a normal thing which just meant that the medicine was working; not that I was any more sick. But in between treatments, I kept my hair short….like pixi-cut short….just in case. This last time I made a promise to my daughter that when my hair started growing back in, that I would let it get long. So right now my hair is the longest it has been in three years.

I don’t like it. It’s in that awkward grow-out stage that I can’t really do too much with it. But….my daughter is happy….so I will ‘just deal with it’.

I wish others could let it go unnoticed. I know they got used to me with short hair or maybe they hadn’t met me before I lost it the first time to know how long it was. But leading a conversation off with ‘Wow, your hair is so long‘ is getting old. It ranks up there with, ‘Wow, you look really good’ (for someone with cancer is rarely said outloud thankfully, but I bet it’s always thought).

So to set the record straight….. I’m growing my hair out. Not for vanity reasons, not because I’m in remission and want to return to the old me, not because it’s easier to care for (it’s not), but because I made a promise to my daughter. For all the stress and emotional roller-coaster ride that having a parent battling cancer can put on a young child….dealing with the process of growing long hair from scratch (that’s basically what I’m doing) to make her feel better is the least I can do to repay how much support and strength she has shown me during the last three years.

Last night, my family and I got to experience the Victory Suite at the LIVESTRONG Sporting Park during the Sporting KC soccer game. It was Ah-mazing!!

I was asked to sit in the special Yellow Seat. It’s the only yellow seat in the stadium…reserved for Lance Armstrong and, on night’s when he isn’t there, cancer survivors. It was such an honor! I never knew that sitting in a cushioned chair could be such an emotionally rewarding experience. There was a special announcement before the game. There I was larger-than-life on the big screen. And my name was spelled correctly!!

I know I’ve said this before and probably not many people understand why I would say it, but I’m thankful for my cancer. I had a good life before cancer. But I was just moving through life. But then cancer came and my life changed. I became more engaged, more aware, more active…..I became a new person.

Learning you have cancer is like coming to a fork in the road. Go left, cancer takes the lead. Go right, cancer never sees what’s coming.

I went right!!

And yet, I continue to surprise him.

For all the time that Craig has known me I have hated spicy foods….especially anything with jalapenos.  But after my last treatment cycle something changed. One day, while out at a T-Bones baseball game I caught sight of a container of nachos with jalapenos on top….it looked so yummy. A few days later I was in the grocery store picking up the ingredients for Taco Tuesday. On a whim I grabbed a jar of jalapenos. That night at dinner my husband watched me load my taco with pepper after pepper, a look of utter amazement and confusion showing on his face. A few weeks later, while dining out I requested extra jalapenos on the side of our nachos….they were fresh, not pickled. I ate them all. I’m now the first to grab the peppers from the Papa John’s pizza box.

I can’t explain this new-found love for spice. I think maybe the chemo had something to do with it, but I don’t know for sure. I do know that I’m enjoying the culinary taste adventures and testing the limits of my spice love.

In reflecting back on 12 months of blahh… I think it’s time to set a new goal.  I have found that I really need goals…short and long term. You know…something to help guide me and keep me on track.  After Ironman last year, I more or less took an extended break.  The down side is that I was still fueling my body as if I were still training for 1-3 hours (or more) per day.  That does not make the scale a happy camper… nor the mind.  So as a short term goal I am working to drop some pounds by eating healthier by watching calorie, fat and protein intake on a daily basis.  I hope to start training real soon to get my cycling legs moving again in time for the Tahoe kick off just after the first of the year.  Training for Tahoe will be fun as Leesa and I will be riding together once again.  Team WOBO will conquer.  For a long term goal I will use the Tahoe trainging to get my cycling endurance up to the century distance and I will also supplement with some corss training… running and swimming.  More to come on that down the road but I now have some goals… two big events next year… Tahoe and Ironman!